Dear Woman Snotting it Up Next to Me at this Cafe

Dear Woman Snotting it Up Next to Me at this Cafe,

Hey there. I happened to notice you have a runny nose. How can I tell? You keep sucking your snot back like it’s not the most disgusting thing I’ve been forced to deal with so far today. You have headphones on so maybe you don’t hear yourself. But rest assured we all do. EVERY SINGLE PERSON HERE is aware that your nose is running and it’s gushing like a gd hot spring. I get it: we’re in January, the cold, sick phase of 2016’s short, sweet life.

But I think there are a couple of things you could do, ya know, for your physical health and the mental health of the people around you. For example, how about blowing your nose? Have you thought of that? I noticed you haven’t tried since you’ve been here (exactly 37 minutes) and I’m wondering: why? Also why’d you get the bagel (with jalapeno cream cheese!)? I never want to talk about what a woman is eating UNLESS it’s some spicy, dairy thing and she is also SIMULTANEOUSLY snotting it up all over town. Which is what you’re doing. In this coffee shop and on my morning.

Ya know, I’ve been watching you, actually. You came in yesterday, ordered a coffee to go, and lit a cigarette when you left this dumb place. I didn’t think anything of it then, but now I’m wondering, why are you smoking when you’re sick, girl? I’m worried about you. With a snotty nose like that, eating dairy and smoking? Come on now. There’s no way you don’t know better. No how.

You know what, though: I love smoking. I do. I think it’s one of God’s few gifts to his dirty lil’ children. I ALSO love dairy, so I see how you could have a hard time abstaining for a bit while you dried up your used Kleenex of a nasal system.

But what about my blowing idea? Why not just go into the bathroom and give that snout a little toot? Maybe you’re worried about getting your hands dirty AND you hate water, so you def don’t want to wash them. Soap, too, grosses you out. Fine. I’ll accept this. When I was a kid I hated washing my hands because when they were drying it felt like my skin was tightening and I thought that meant my hands were shrinking. And I was scarred that one day I’d be an adult with tiny child hands.
And if I had tiny child hands no one would ever want to shake them.
And if no one ever wanted to shake hands, I would never succeed in business.
And if I never succeed in business, I would never have enough money to buy a sassy parrot.
And if I never had a sassy parrot, I wouldn’t be able to go on cool adventures.
And if I didn’t go on cool adventures, then what would be the point of my life?

So, I guess what I’m saying is: I see where you’re coming from. And, also, maybe I should mind my own business. Ugh, I just remembered I brought my headphones here in case anyone annoyed me, and why haven’t I been using them? I feel like I let us both down, really. Initially I was going to say something about how this is a perfect example of how other people can ruin your day, but now I think it’s an excellent lesson on how I should cool it with prying into other people’s affairs. Also, is that man talking on his phone bothering you? Over there in the corner? He’s talking low, and mumbling as if we all can’t hear him? It’s so rude, don’t you think? Jesus, people are the worst.


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