Wow. Wow, guys! I wrote something and the responses literally came flying in. Soaring. Whizzing past my head in every direction. Pretty sure someone was throwing things at me. Dare I say it: compliments!
I mean, everyone had something to say about the post! From my mom to my mom, people were talking. My mom was, actually, the only person that verbally acknowledge I’d written anything (a man nodded to me on the street the next day, so I’m guessing he’s a fan). She called right away and said “You. You, my child, should pen a novel.” Aww shucks, mom! Making me blush. In addition, some people followed me on the site, and one person was like “did you start a Tumblr?” so I’m guessing A TON of people read the post, loved it, just didn’t have time to respond. We’re all so busy, I know, I know. So I decided to help out all those busy bees that read the article but weren’t able to follow-up with a congratulatory email. Here are some imagined responses I think probably definitely happened.
1. Great profile pic! You can tell she’s just a salt-of-the-earth kind of gal.
2. I have overalls, and, yes, I also wish I could wear them without shame in public. I relate to this post.
3. Bitch stole my overalls-post idea! Dammit, why didn’t I write it first and claim the subject for my own years ago? This is true agony.*
4. Hmmm should I give up sugar and grains at the same time? Or maybe just grains and then sugar? Seems a little extreme to give them up simultaneously.
5. I just followed her because she posted on Facebook that she would follow anyone back. I need more followers! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
6. You know what? I followed that girl IMMEDIATELY, because I want to support, you know? And then it took her like THREE DAYS to follow me back. I was like, does she not see? That I followed? Does she think she’s better than me?**
7. Urban Outfitters started selling these nifty overalls in their store on 14th St. and 6th Ave. TWO DAYS later. A coincidence? Of course not, stupid. Learn cause and effect. Though totally flattered, I am a little irked that they are $98.00 and that they are called “French Workwear Overall.” Those are overalls, people, and calling them “French” does not change that. Actually this fits in *preciously* with one of my points in the original post: people not from the South are seen as fashionable/chic/quirky in overalls. It’s like Urban Outfitters didn’t read my piece at all.
Here is a picture of me and the overalls in real life.*** I was just so blown away by the fact that either A) Sir Urban O. himself read the post or B) I actually manifested something, for the first time ever, using the power of my mind/words, that I had to snap a pic.
8. Overalls? What is she going to write about next, dogs?****
9. I don’t know how I ended up on her Tumblr. It was a dark night and I was full of anxiety, shame, and regret for my past while also lost in the void of despair over my possible future. Who will I be? When will I grow? How is it that I can see, and know, my perfect self and yet continue to make these seemingly small, but still grotesque, mistakes in my everyday life? These tiny, almost untraceable blunders have compounded over time to create a person I barely know, one I don’t understand, and one I completely loathe. Is this the human manifestation of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave? Am I just a shadow-self of a more perfect being that exist in harmony in another dimension? How can I move forward when I know that my life is a series of fuck-ups, failures, and stretches of squandered time on this planet? So, I went on the internet to distract myself, stumbled upon this post, read it, and thought it was fine.
10. Hey, we’re the NSA, and we say: two claws up!*****
11. Honestly, I expected more.
12. You. You my child should pen a novel.
*My post was 100% an original idea created by ME. I just know that someone out there is feeling like I stole their voice. People are full of regrets and anger and when something is wildly successful, as said overalls piece, there will be small men grasping at straws to stake claim on the apparent genius rolling out in waves before them.
**Sorry, I wasn’t around my computer and then I forgot my password and couldn’t sign in through my phone. UGH. IT. WAS. TORTURE. Just thinking about all those people on the edge of their seat, waiting for my next move. Apologies to you! One love, friends and fam!
***I asked one of the UO employees to take this picture and she was like “sure, do you have a joke about overalls or something?” And I was about to be like “Woah! How did you know I was a professional stand-up comedian? Can I add you to my mailing list?” And then, I checked myself and gave myself a quick reminder to act gracefully in the face of recognition and praise, so I was just like “Yes, yes I do have a joke about overalls.”
****This is a great idea! Thank you.
*****Little known fact: the NSA is a bucket of crabs.