Today is Friday. On Monday, I worked out at the gym. The YMCA to be exact. I thought it would be fun to do a “class” with other “people” looking for “some” physical movement. I picked the class based on what time it started. I’m a busy woman! I reasoned, when I signed up for “Train like an Athlete,” the only class in my timeframe. The instructor came over and introduced himself, because he knew I had never been there before. In fact, everyone knew, because everyone appears to take this class with each other weekly. Why? I don’t know. They are prisoners, perhaps.
“Do you have any injuries?”
“I’m out of shape.”
“Go at your own pace.”
My pace is real slow. “This man is a fool,” I thought to myself before deciding to push through whatever pace came naturally. And I did. Oh boy. I pushed. At one point I thought I would fedaint (die-faint). Or faduke (die-faint-puke).
Why did I stay for the whole class? I’m not sure. I think it’s because I was in the back and in order to leave, would have had to walk past all the “athletes” diligently having the time of their life. Also, the instructor kept coming up to me and telling me what a good job I was doing. It was a subtle mix of peer pressure and encouragement. And so I stayed. And I haven’t really been able to walk since. I mean, not at a normal speed. Yesterday, for example, my friends ran ahead of me to catch the train and I hobbled after them: doomed to sit by myself on the platform and wait for the next one.
I’ve had to use the handicap bathroom every day at work this week in order to lower myself onto the toilet.
Getting shoes on and off requires another person.
The worst party of all of this is telling people the true reason I am slowly flopping behind them when we walk down the street. I’m done being honest. It was expected on Tuesday, understandable on Wednesday, a little much on Thursday, and very embarrassing by Friday.
So, here are the new reasons why my body is a loose tube of Jello:
- I am still growing. Going to be 5’10 by the end of the year!
- My brain has recently double its density due to super intelligence. Body is wobbling trying to adjust to the new weight.
- I have successfully overcome anxiety and am purging it from my body. These are simply the detox droops.
- I finished my screenplay/book/collection of short stories/poems/essays. Sitting for so long has left my legs a little shaky.
- Have you seen The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension? Exactly.
- Can you believe it’s already February?
- I know, it seems crazy.
- But also at the same time: it’s really weird that it’s not the summer, ya know?
- I feel like I haven’t been truly warm in years.
- I just want a little sun on my face.
- And daily fresh juices.
- Do you think the rich are all on liquid diets now?
- It seems like the most genuine luxury, actually.
- Anyway, I think I am going to hobble to the kitchen and make some hot chocolate.
- Let’s talk soon.
- You look great, by the way.